1st

At a point in life again where I'm asking myself how in the heck i got here. I live in nyc, work in fashion and photography, have a crazy Korean girlfriend, and rent a room in a curmudgeonly townhouse in Brooklyn. Most of my friends are Christians, a few of which aren't (i need more).

A relationship. It's been forever. I feel like I still learning to drive stick sometimes with this one but she's fairly easy to be with. My lack of lengthy relationships doesn't really bang into my self-esteem anymore. Less baggage the better....ah baggage. that's where i was going with part of this entry. This girl has been through it...and still seems relativley stable. Still a woman as a woman does, mind you, but no akward manuevers required.

so how do i process this? she has been thru some heavy stuff. Abusive father & divided parenthood, abused at a younger age. When she told me the later in the car a while back I thought my stomach was going to cramp into a rock during the suspense. I didn't know what she was going to say. The paranoid in my was suspecting a promiscuous confession from her past. I told what I though of her and it was the time to say it. I said it because it's what i thought and she needed to hear it.

Why was i crying yesterday? i was not myself and felt surrounded by negativity and the great sense of doom of the unknown. at times i feel like an irresponsible young adult for not having it more together and being in a relatively serious relationship. though I'm not married to her and one must live life not worrying about tomorrow. I think it's because I also feel quite alone living here at times. The people i am closest with I hardly ever see. I can't have brevity with people i don't communicate enough. though i must deal with what I have and appriciate what i 've got at the same time. And not invest too much when the energy isn't returned.

Through and through though I've a lot to be thankful for. A loving family, an amazing caring girlfriend with no games, a few good honest friends, some amazing career experience, and some more things. Though i feel god does not want us to be content with all of these things in the complete sense....