it's almost november. I've had 3 counseling sessions so far. it's no quick fix, but i feel at peace even expressing myself at sessions. and learning with mina along the way has been precious. no doubt about that.
i'm just happy to be at peace. even on a day when i've been rejected from a gig i'd been waiting to hear back from.
listening to old u2 just gives me hope. the lyrics have maturity that i need to hear.
the sacrifice is not over yet. i've still got a ways to go with my dream. I happy to feel more latley that god has given me some peace about that. i'm not worrying about my future with Mina as much either. I just pray that something can give in the meantime though.
when i look at my pictures i feel like got a has given me a peace about moving forward. i don't want to retouch, or nothing other than shooting or directing. and that's okay. i feel like i get in a servant mentality and don't value the desire and happiness of the bigger prize.
in him
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
first counseling session
one session over
problem of career: 50% dealing with self doubt 50% dealing with whether this is a lifestyle problem possibly for me.
i'm tired.
I don't know what's next really.
problem of career: 50% dealing with self doubt 50% dealing with whether this is a lifestyle problem possibly for me.
i'm tired.
I don't know what's next really.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
so i'm now still struggling with being attracted to mina. It comes and it goes. I feel i may be putting too much water on this seed. A mini-crisis? i'm not sure. Though while talking to carl last night, i have my doubts on his advice. His persective seems more secular than vertical. I feel like he's running about with himself too. I love him to death, but i feel he's caught in a world torn and his persective doesn't match mine. I do appriciate his perspective on my cash flow sitch, in and of that he's told me that money comes and goes and it doesn't really mater at the moment with me. I'm just getting past 25, and I'd like to think I can eventually help provide for someone and myself. And not go too fast at the same time. I'm not sure what i think about his doubts on the relationship....I care soo much for this girl. I'm not sure it's just emotional attachment...I think it's more of a thing of understanding her as a person and seeing how beautiful that is. She's gone thru so much as a person and that's shaped the beauty that she is. I hope that i can have peace eventually about her past...i believe i've gotten over most of it. It may just be a time thing. Maybe counsoling will help.
I think breaking up with her would be the easy thing to do. I feel i've invested in this girl and that's where my heart is for now. I don't know what else to do other than take it easy and see what happens. She helps me in my life and accepts me for who I am with all my faults and tendencies. and i have hard time believing I'm just falling back on insecurities.
I think i love her but i don't know yet. It's a lot right now and I need to get my feet on the ground. 3 years here and I feel I've still fighting hard. I think it's a matter of either fighting even harder or being brave and level-headed enough to move on to something else. A whole fear of it's own. Its a strange glory. not sure what i should do at the moment other than temp and make the best that I can. And eventually start shooting somehow.
and to add to all of this...I'm constantly tired and always edging to jump in the volvo to some jersey bound haven. although these run away trips solo style end up feeling kind of empty sometimes.....better to stay in my apt and read the word or something....
god will give me peace eventually
I think breaking up with her would be the easy thing to do. I feel i've invested in this girl and that's where my heart is for now. I don't know what else to do other than take it easy and see what happens. She helps me in my life and accepts me for who I am with all my faults and tendencies. and i have hard time believing I'm just falling back on insecurities.
I think i love her but i don't know yet. It's a lot right now and I need to get my feet on the ground. 3 years here and I feel I've still fighting hard. I think it's a matter of either fighting even harder or being brave and level-headed enough to move on to something else. A whole fear of it's own. Its a strange glory. not sure what i should do at the moment other than temp and make the best that I can. And eventually start shooting somehow.
and to add to all of this...I'm constantly tired and always edging to jump in the volvo to some jersey bound haven. although these run away trips solo style end up feeling kind of empty sometimes.....better to stay in my apt and read the word or something....
god will give me peace eventually
Monday, August 18, 2008
2nd
damn. coffee, mingus and a weeknight. 2 of which i almost never keep in the house anymore. all i need at this point is cedric in the corner discussing new ways to shoot with his lomo camera and rachel loitering while studying italian at the same table for this to feel like stomping grounds back in Ames.
what am i writing about this time? trying to understand my emotional unrest. it's been ages since i touched this thing, but it's still the same topic. Post-reconciliation with Mina about her past, the storm drew out things i'm still figuring out. Grandpa's death is one most def. I think the rest is a mix of not dealing with things in the past 3 years because i didn't have good enough freinds or no freinds to deal thru it at the time, stress about success, and my relationship with Mina. The more undecipherable and abstract things are dealing with Mina's past and how I out-proccess it and move on, as well as sorting out the extremely unpredictable future of mine regarding my career path, and my future with Mina...something i try to take one step at a time.
It's still abstract with the pain and mourning regarding her past and how that relates to us. She is who she is now and thats' that. I guess what I have to get over is thinking of how she was physically with the past people. Am I jealous? Or just over analyzing? writer's block!
what am i writing about this time? trying to understand my emotional unrest. it's been ages since i touched this thing, but it's still the same topic. Post-reconciliation with Mina about her past, the storm drew out things i'm still figuring out. Grandpa's death is one most def. I think the rest is a mix of not dealing with things in the past 3 years because i didn't have good enough freinds or no freinds to deal thru it at the time, stress about success, and my relationship with Mina. The more undecipherable and abstract things are dealing with Mina's past and how I out-proccess it and move on, as well as sorting out the extremely unpredictable future of mine regarding my career path, and my future with Mina...something i try to take one step at a time.
It's still abstract with the pain and mourning regarding her past and how that relates to us. She is who she is now and thats' that. I guess what I have to get over is thinking of how she was physically with the past people. Am I jealous? Or just over analyzing? writer's block!
Monday, May 26, 2008
1st
At a point in life again where I'm asking myself how in the heck i got here. I live in nyc, work in fashion and photography, have a crazy Korean girlfriend, and rent a room in a curmudgeonly townhouse in Brooklyn. Most of my friends are Christians, a few of which aren't (i need more).
A relationship. It's been forever. I feel like I still learning to drive stick sometimes with this one but she's fairly easy to be with. My lack of lengthy relationships doesn't really bang into my self-esteem anymore. Less baggage the better....ah baggage. that's where i was going with part of this entry. This girl has been through it...and still seems relativley stable. Still a woman as a woman does, mind you, but no akward manuevers required.
so how do i process this? she has been thru some heavy stuff. Abusive father & divided parenthood, abused at a younger age. When she told me the later in the car a while back I thought my stomach was going to cramp into a rock during the suspense. I didn't know what she was going to say. The paranoid in my was suspecting a promiscuous confession from her past. I told what I though of her and it was the time to say it. I said it because it's what i thought and she needed to hear it.
Why was i crying yesterday? i was not myself and felt surrounded by negativity and the great sense of doom of the unknown. at times i feel like an irresponsible young adult for not having it more together and being in a relatively serious relationship. though I'm not married to her and one must live life not worrying about tomorrow. I think it's because I also feel quite alone living here at times. The people i am closest with I hardly ever see. I can't have brevity with people i don't communicate enough. though i must deal with what I have and appriciate what i 've got at the same time. And not invest too much when the energy isn't returned.
Through and through though I've a lot to be thankful for. A loving family, an amazing caring girlfriend with no games, a few good honest friends, some amazing career experience, and some more things. Though i feel god does not want us to be content with all of these things in the complete sense....
A relationship. It's been forever. I feel like I still learning to drive stick sometimes with this one but she's fairly easy to be with. My lack of lengthy relationships doesn't really bang into my self-esteem anymore. Less baggage the better....ah baggage. that's where i was going with part of this entry. This girl has been through it...and still seems relativley stable. Still a woman as a woman does, mind you, but no akward manuevers required.
so how do i process this? she has been thru some heavy stuff. Abusive father & divided parenthood, abused at a younger age. When she told me the later in the car a while back I thought my stomach was going to cramp into a rock during the suspense. I didn't know what she was going to say. The paranoid in my was suspecting a promiscuous confession from her past. I told what I though of her and it was the time to say it. I said it because it's what i thought and she needed to hear it.
Why was i crying yesterday? i was not myself and felt surrounded by negativity and the great sense of doom of the unknown. at times i feel like an irresponsible young adult for not having it more together and being in a relatively serious relationship. though I'm not married to her and one must live life not worrying about tomorrow. I think it's because I also feel quite alone living here at times. The people i am closest with I hardly ever see. I can't have brevity with people i don't communicate enough. though i must deal with what I have and appriciate what i 've got at the same time. And not invest too much when the energy isn't returned.
Through and through though I've a lot to be thankful for. A loving family, an amazing caring girlfriend with no games, a few good honest friends, some amazing career experience, and some more things. Though i feel god does not want us to be content with all of these things in the complete sense....
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