whaddadayagain.

case for tomorrow:

sturcuture in workplace:

-whom do i report too?

-what level are jeremiah and i?

-time structure for production return? priority. NEED PROJECT MANAGEMENT

-workload, stress, realistic time structure needs to be set for expectations.

-creative structure, concerns on redundancy original clear vision. Need a consistent operating basis.

-talk about previous background about reshoots in the past......how should the attitude for this be? I never want to reshoot something unless absolute necessary.

I guess wots bothering me latley is that i feel that I may be sinking into this corporate thing and may get caught in it.

say i work 3 years there. save up some money, and attempt to freelance again. hopefully find an agent. marry mina somewhere in there? not sure. my fear is that i wouldn't be able jump into freelance world again very easily. which dream is bigger? i hate that ultimatum. I feel like there has to be a way around it. when i look at peoples work like Flora's, I feel happy to see someone doing niche work and getting commercially noticed. stream stream. I just have to rise above the mist of Madden at the moment and invest my wknd time wisley. hopefully with help too.
girlfreind, corp job, growning up; can't i just please pick 2?

screw youth, freedom, willful bad behavior and going out. I just want a squeeze, a warm apt, warm girl, and money from photography.

my prayer is that I can do both, girl and photography. my wonder is that maybe i'm getting what i asked for at the moment.

g'nite!

free form. reminds me of the beat poet museum out in death valley somewhere....guy whom did naked lunch....a story joel told me last year. i wish i could go out there again. convincing mina could be doable...but a stretch no less.

my current frustrations are: finding my voice in day to day, as well as with my family (xmass) and general pent up anger i'm prob turning inward. also trying to figure out what love means with mina and i at the moment.

I Got real pissed when my sis and rob were ripping on my at xmass. i was emabarrased in front of mina. to add to it i was tired and frustrated beyond what i normally was. it was an exhausting day perioud. though i think i've finally got to a point with my family where i'm realizing that I'm really at the end of the food chain in terms of precidence. It's not a matter of being the youngest, but more of a feeling of being labeled a black sheep that has gone too far. I feel like i've been buried in this for a long time. I loath getting yelled at by my sister. It makes me feel like less than a human sometimes.

finding my voice day to day comes up as an example when i spoke with hr at work about salary negotiation. The contact told me that she felt that salary rate was just when she pointed out that i hadn't had a staff job ever and stated my freelance exp as a little less than worthy. that made me quite angry and i felt like i took it a bit too personal....which makes me wonder about why i reacted in such a personal way, i feel like i've struggled with that for a long time. I was also burnt because I didn't even have time to think about being aggrivated for 2 days because i was sooo busy with getting things together.

I think the last though relates to my pent up anger. I think it's a result of being abused, being a black sheep in different settings, and trying to fight against lowly established precidence for a long time. I feel like my randomness in my personality, work style, ect. have formed me as the odd-man-out/ gay dude in my work environments. only if i jive really well and personally to my team, will i not be treated the bad way. I'm not a redneck, a sailor or a typical guy's guy. I'm comfortable in my own masculinity, but i'm not afraid of my uniquness either.

love oh love. what that say. I'm getting closer and closer. romanitcising the though about how i would tell her. am I ready? do i understand what it really means to myself, her and in the eyes of god? it's a huge step in trust and responsibilty. TK's sermon today was one of the best ones i've ever heard him preach. it nearly brought tears to my eyes when i was reminded of how good mina has been to me. I also choked up a bit when tk said that we aren't going to have the same life when we are married. It made me miss my freinds, espc the ones i don't get to see that much latley. everone is getting old and proposing in swanky european locations. the time is creeping up. some days, at my truest moments when i see the beauty of a lot mina is, beyond looks, i'm captivated, convinced and content. though as a man should, i must take my time, in my time and our time. there's pressure from the christian subculture, parents, and the korean culture as a whole sometimes. Though these are voices on the outside. she continues to be a blesssing in my life and i feel blessed to get to know her more and more. the current job situation seems to be a blessing towards our future together, but security is a shroud, and I want to decide carefully.

wandering but not lost

it's almost november. I've had 3 counseling sessions so far. it's no quick fix, but i feel at peace even expressing myself at sessions. and learning with mina along the way has been precious. no doubt about that.

i'm just happy to be at peace. even on a day when i've been rejected from a gig i'd been waiting to hear back from.

listening to old u2 just gives me hope. the lyrics have maturity that i need to hear.

the sacrifice is not over yet. i've still got a ways to go with my dream. I happy to feel more latley that god has given me some peace about that. i'm not worrying about my future with Mina as much either. I just pray that something can give in the meantime though.

when i look at my pictures i feel like got a has given me a peace about moving forward. i don't want to retouch, or nothing other than shooting or directing. and that's okay. i feel like i get in a servant mentality and don't value the desire and happiness of the bigger prize.

in him

first counseling session

one session over

problem of career: 50% dealing with self doubt 50% dealing with whether this is a lifestyle problem possibly for me.

i'm tired.

I don't know what's next really.

so i'm now still struggling with being attracted to mina. It comes and it goes. I feel i may be putting too much water on this seed. A mini-crisis? i'm not sure. Though while talking to carl last night, i have my doubts on his advice. His persective seems more secular than vertical. I feel like he's running about with himself too. I love him to death, but i feel he's caught in a world torn and his persective doesn't match mine. I do appriciate his perspective on my cash flow sitch, in and of that he's told me that money comes and goes and it doesn't really mater at the moment with me. I'm just getting past 25, and I'd like to think I can eventually help provide for someone and myself. And not go too fast at the same time. I'm not sure what i think about his doubts on the relationship....I care soo much for this girl. I'm not sure it's just emotional attachment...I think it's more of a thing of understanding her as a person and seeing how beautiful that is. She's gone thru so much as a person and that's shaped the beauty that she is. I hope that i can have peace eventually about her past...i believe i've gotten over most of it. It may just be a time thing. Maybe counsoling will help.

I think breaking up with her would be the easy thing to do. I feel i've invested in this girl and that's where my heart is for now. I don't know what else to do other than take it easy and see what happens. She helps me in my life and accepts me for who I am with all my faults and tendencies. and i have hard time believing I'm just falling back on insecurities.


I think i love her but i don't know yet. It's a lot right now and I need to get my feet on the ground. 3 years here and I feel I've still fighting hard. I think it's a matter of either fighting even harder or being brave and level-headed enough to move on to something else. A whole fear of it's own. Its a strange glory. not sure what i should do at the moment other than temp and make the best that I can. And eventually start shooting somehow.

and to add to all of this...I'm constantly tired and always edging to jump in the volvo to some jersey bound haven. although these run away trips solo style end up feeling kind of empty sometimes.....better to stay in my apt and read the word or something....

god will give me peace eventually

2nd

damn. coffee, mingus and a weeknight. 2 of which i almost never keep in the house anymore. all i need at this point is cedric in the corner discussing new ways to shoot with his lomo camera and rachel loitering while studying italian at the same table for this to feel like stomping grounds back in Ames.

what am i writing about this time? trying to understand my emotional unrest. it's been ages since i touched this thing, but it's still the same topic. Post-reconciliation with Mina about her past, the storm drew out things i'm still figuring out. Grandpa's death is one most def. I think the rest is a mix of not dealing with things in the past 3 years because i didn't have good enough freinds or no freinds to deal thru it at the time, stress about success, and my relationship with Mina. The more undecipherable and abstract things are dealing with Mina's past and how I out-proccess it and move on, as well as sorting out the extremely unpredictable future of mine regarding my career path, and my future with Mina...something i try to take one step at a time.

It's still abstract with the pain and mourning regarding her past and how that relates to us. She is who she is now and thats' that. I guess what I have to get over is thinking of how she was physically with the past people. Am I jealous? Or just over analyzing? writer's block!