so i'm now still struggling with being attracted to mina. It comes and it goes. I feel i may be putting too much water on this seed. A mini-crisis? i'm not sure. Though while talking to carl last night, i have my doubts on his advice. His persective seems more secular than vertical. I feel like he's running about with himself too. I love him to death, but i feel he's caught in a world torn and his persective doesn't match mine. I do appriciate his perspective on my cash flow sitch, in and of that he's told me that money comes and goes and it doesn't really mater at the moment with me. I'm just getting past 25, and I'd like to think I can eventually help provide for someone and myself. And not go too fast at the same time. I'm not sure what i think about his doubts on the relationship....I care soo much for this girl. I'm not sure it's just emotional attachment...I think it's more of a thing of understanding her as a person and seeing how beautiful that is. She's gone thru so much as a person and that's shaped the beauty that she is. I hope that i can have peace eventually about her past...i believe i've gotten over most of it. It may just be a time thing. Maybe counsoling will help.

I think breaking up with her would be the easy thing to do. I feel i've invested in this girl and that's where my heart is for now. I don't know what else to do other than take it easy and see what happens. She helps me in my life and accepts me for who I am with all my faults and tendencies. and i have hard time believing I'm just falling back on insecurities.


I think i love her but i don't know yet. It's a lot right now and I need to get my feet on the ground. 3 years here and I feel I've still fighting hard. I think it's a matter of either fighting even harder or being brave and level-headed enough to move on to something else. A whole fear of it's own. Its a strange glory. not sure what i should do at the moment other than temp and make the best that I can. And eventually start shooting somehow.

and to add to all of this...I'm constantly tired and always edging to jump in the volvo to some jersey bound haven. although these run away trips solo style end up feeling kind of empty sometimes.....better to stay in my apt and read the word or something....

god will give me peace eventually

2nd

damn. coffee, mingus and a weeknight. 2 of which i almost never keep in the house anymore. all i need at this point is cedric in the corner discussing new ways to shoot with his lomo camera and rachel loitering while studying italian at the same table for this to feel like stomping grounds back in Ames.

what am i writing about this time? trying to understand my emotional unrest. it's been ages since i touched this thing, but it's still the same topic. Post-reconciliation with Mina about her past, the storm drew out things i'm still figuring out. Grandpa's death is one most def. I think the rest is a mix of not dealing with things in the past 3 years because i didn't have good enough freinds or no freinds to deal thru it at the time, stress about success, and my relationship with Mina. The more undecipherable and abstract things are dealing with Mina's past and how I out-proccess it and move on, as well as sorting out the extremely unpredictable future of mine regarding my career path, and my future with Mina...something i try to take one step at a time.

It's still abstract with the pain and mourning regarding her past and how that relates to us. She is who she is now and thats' that. I guess what I have to get over is thinking of how she was physically with the past people. Am I jealous? Or just over analyzing? writer's block!